birthdays and growing up

First of all, I must wish a Happy Birthday to my little Brodie - he turns 1 today. In the midst of the ridiculous amount of stress and anxiety that I'm feeling, I decided that Brodie shouldn't suffer so Matt and I took him to Petsmart to pick out a birthday present. He got this cube thing that has random little "pockets" inside of it. You place food inside it and shake it up and then he has to roll the cube around until food falls out. We gave it to him after singing "Happy Birthday" (yes, I know he's a dog and doesn't understand, but the birthday dog deserves a song) and he was totally scared and confused by it at first, but it provided a good hour of entertainment. I'm excited that there is something that he loves besides the tennis ball.

Now to the "Bianca needs to vent" part...

This weekend has totally been bananas, and not in a good way. I've been pretty stressed out the past few weeks, which is expected and really in my 3rd year of law school, shouldn't surprise me. On Friday I decided to create a checklist of things that I need to work on and it was so much longer than I imagined in my head. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. There's the reading for school which is normal but killing me because I can't wrap my head around Corporations. Usually I'm pretty confident in my ability, but that class just makes me feel so stupid. Law school is basically my entire life and lately I've been thinking "what the hell am I doing???" Law school was never fun, but now I feel like I don't even want to do this anymore.

I remember when I first told some friends that I was going to law school and they thought I was nuts. One friend pointed out that I loved fashion and entertainment and asked why I wanted to sit behind a desk reading boring documents. I told her that I wasn't going to be "that kind" of lawyer - I wanted to change the system and help those who couldn't help themselves. I had all these things I wanted to accomplish. I was passionate, I was motivated, I was 100% confident in myself. My confidence has gone down the tubes along with my wittiness and overall cheerful attitude. Tiffany called me today and said "it sounds like you need a bitch session, are you ok?" That's always a sign that things are off.

My first year of law school I seriously considered dropping out. My parents were getting divorced, I was depressed and crying all the time, and wanted nothing more than to sit in my room and stare blankly at the tv. I was convinced that I wouldn't pass my classes mostly because I didn't want to put in the effort. I had the "drop out" convo with Matt and my mom at least once a week. It freaked them out. One day Matt said "if you're going to leave law school, I want it to be because you worked your butt off and somehow didn't make the cut, not because you gave up." Because I didn't want to disappoint them, I finally sucked it up and did pretty well, which kinda makes me sad because I think of how much better I could have done had I actually really really tried. I still constantly joke with Matt about dropping out and then we laugh and say "too late now" but I can't help but wonder...

2 years later, I really love the clinic work I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing something important and making positive changes in my client's lives. I worry that the happiness I feel when I read the current issue of "Elle" or when I watch the "Chelsea Handler Show" are signs that I'm doing the wrong thing. Or maybe they make me so happy because they are totally opposite of the law thing. But occasionally I do see glimmers of hope when Matt asks me a lawyerly question and I ramble for 20 mins. And I'm sure that once I get out of the law school work and focus solely on a particular area of law, it's all good. But I worry that I may never get my spark back and I can't help but wonder where would I be, how would I feel if I had gone down another path. Would I be happier? Or would I just thinking "what if I had gone to law school?" And maybe I should remember that graduating from law school and taking the bar doesn't mean that I'm stuck in this career. Or maybe I'll end up loving lawyer life. I could combine my loves and take off for Paris and work as a lawyer for Chanel. Then I'd actually learn how to speak French. Maybe I can convince Matt that my talents would be better utilized staying at home drinking cosmopolitans and being a 1950's housewife...ok that's a lie, I know I definitely couldn't handle that.

I'm sure these are thoughts and feelings that all us 20-somethings go through as we accept that we are no longer kids and have to grow up. I just don't know how to come to terms with it.